TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely outside of location. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Sure, sure, let us have A different location where American men can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give All people a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should really cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You realize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "exactly where's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge where by my PTSD can have transform-down company."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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